Monday, 25 September 2017

Git gud? Get fucked.



Way back, when magazines ruled games media like a paper oracle, every one in a while, you'd see a familiar missive in the letters page along the lines of, "Dear Mean machines Biscuit, I can complete Super Protector in less 15 minutes and not lose a life. Please can I write reviews for you?" And the little twat would have to be told that being good at games isn't qualification enough to write about and review video games, and they should look towards finishing school and working towards a English or journalism degree. Something like that. Well it seems old ignorance has been passed on, from gamecock to gamecock ("gamecock" being my catch all term for hardcore, video game devotees who treat the hobby like it's a religion and they're a grand inquisitor) . And the idea that the only thing a reviewer needs is expertise, alone, is still alive and well.

Tuesday, 28 June 2016

What a dick cancer is


So, I've been away for a bit. And not just because I'm a lackadaisical bastard, with a knackered laptop (for the record, I'm using my partner's computer to write thing). Turns out I had a bit of the old cancer, like you do, so my mind was elsewhere. I don't really do personal blog posts, because 1; I'm never happy with how anything I've written about myself turns out, and 2; I have so few readers- that, if I turned on AdSense I would have to pay Google- there's no point in sharing my inner most thoughts. But I felt like writing about this, because it's a big thing for me. So I'll just come right out and say it, I had cancer...in my dick.

Friday, 15 January 2016

Suicide Gaming 2015 Gladhands


2015 wasn't that bad, was it? Sure, the war in the middle east looks to eclipse Vietnam, no one has a brass farthing to rub together, and the internent is still a incubator for the most ignorant kind of hatred imaginable. But there was some still quality video games, tv shows, films and whatnot, wasn't there? Sure there was, because I'm about to write about a  bunch of it. Obviously, this is a subjective piece of filler so it's just a list of stuff I liked this year. With some omissions; the newest series of Doctor Who was a marked improvement, but when you dedicate two episodes to saying goodbye to a walking pair of eyebrows- when the Ponds just disappeared and died of old age- just left a bad taste. And I merely liked, not loved The Force Awakens, because I'm eight years old. So onto what I did love this year...

Thursday, 22 October 2015

Transformers Devastation (xbox 360) review: Optimistic Prime



Activison has blown hot and cold, when it comes to Transformers games. On one hand, there's the underwhelming tie-in games for the painfully bad live action movies. But then things took a turn for the better when High Moon studio broke the shit Transformers game streak with War for Cybertron, and Fall of Cybertron. Then Activision turned the cold tap back on when High Moon were sacked and the next game was pseudo movie tie-in, which reused assets from the movie and Cybertron games. But Acti's water is flowing hot again, after- with little to no warning- they hired action game specialists, Platinum Games to make an all new Transformers game, inspired by the original cartoon series.

Friday, 25 September 2015

The Gamechangers review: You're a Rockstar hoodie top, Harry


As reported earlier, the BBC has commissioned a one-off drama about the making of the Grand Theft Auto (GTA) series and the controversy surrounding the "hot coffee" scandal and Jack Thompson's legal crusade against GTA devs, Rockstar Games. However, the actual  Rockstar Games have completely disowned the drama. Even as going as far as trying to take legal action against the BBC. Needless to say, The Gamechangers has not been endorsed by Take Two Interactive or Rockstar Games. But is it any good? The BBC have been rotten at making games-related content. Is the tide about the change? Or did you not see the header image?

Friday, 28 August 2015

MCV has lead a sheltered life


Despite the weather being shittier than the arse-end of a diarrhetic goat, that's been on a kidney bean diet, it definitely is summer. And in the world of video games, that means the annual summer games drought- because publishers think it's a good idea to release all their big titles around christmas, so there's a distinct lack of big releases around this time of year. Which is why you read the utter bullshit, masquerading as news, that somehow catches on. Because, what the fuck else there to write about between E3 and the christmas rush? Masturbating toys, that's what!

Thursday, 13 August 2015

After 30 years of being a bloke, Link should stay that way



As of late, gaming has been going through a bit of upheaval. A lot of changes have been occurring. Whether you like them or not, change is inevitable, especially in a industry that so embraces innovation as video games. Well, frankly, I'm sick to the tits with change. Especially with this new idea of taking established characters and changing their gender/race/sexuality/favourite flavour of pringles. I'm all for progression- after all, I just changed my usual brand of shampoo- but taking classic video game characters, and vandalising what makes them as iconic as they are is a bridge too far.