Thursday, 13 August 2015

After 30 years of being a bloke, Link should stay that way



As of late, gaming has been going through a bit of upheaval. A lot of changes have been occurring. Whether you like them or not, change is inevitable, especially in a industry that so embraces innovation as video games. Well, frankly, I'm sick to the tits with change. Especially with this new idea of taking established characters and changing their gender/race/sexuality/favourite flavour of pringles. I'm all for progression- after all, I just changed my usual brand of shampoo- but taking classic video game characters, and vandalising what makes them as iconic as they are is a bridge too far.


For example, look at this piece of lefty cobblers, "After 30 years of being a dude, there's no reason why Link shouldn't be a lady".That is exactly the kind of intellectual wank that's ruining video games as an art form, and as a business form. This Nick Gillman- if that is his real name- thinks Nintendo should abandon 30-odd years of business practise by gender-swapping Link. But what do you expect from Vice? A site for hipsters to jizz on about their holiday,  where they met a homeless monk, but came back after two days, because there's no 4G. What's worse is no one, and I mean no one of any worth, has written a rebuttal piece to it. There's one bloke on tumblr, but that doesn't count because, as we all know, tumblr is only for Sherlock gifs and young people getting their tits out, while dressed up as manga films. So it's up to me to address the imbalance of ethics and common sense. So here's some ethical, cultural, scientific, and ethical reasons why Link is male, and must stay that way.

CULTURE

The Legend of Zelda games are made in a country called J-Pan. And J-Pan, has a different set of values about sex and gender. Have you ever seen one of their pornos? Their dicks look like Legos, so no wonder their gender polictics are different. Plus, their history books states that no J-Panese woman has ever done anything, ever. Which is why Princess Zelda (and to a further extend, Peach) puts up zero effect to stop being kidnapped (so really it's her own fault), because it would go against tradition. If you made Link female, the J-Panese developers would have no choice but to code zero controls. So then Nintendo make a controller with no buttons on it, and they go out of business.

BIOLOGY

Another thing, that Gillman obviously did no research into, is the Zelda games are made by people from J-Pan, and J-Panese people have different eyes to people from the west. Look; if you're from the West, your eyes look like this...

And if you're from J-pan, your eyes look like this...





See the difference? J-Panese biology is different from Western biology. Our eyes are different from each other (as explained in that "what colour is this dress" thing). See, this Gillman character couldn't be arsed to do the ethical research into regional winking habits. But I fucking well did! Case in point, Western media is made by Western people, so their (literal)  point of view is distributed through the media they make. For example, the site How Old Do I Look scans an image and works out the age and gender of the subject. Well look what it said about Link.

FILTH!


See what your disgusting tech industry has done, Gillman? Fuck you, Microsoft! Link is not a 22 year old woman. He's a fully grown man! Except when he's a beautiful, little boy. It's bullwank! And racialist, to boot. Someone like Gillman might see Link like this...


But to a J-Panese people, Link, correctly, looks like this...



And that's beta male, by J-Pan standards. But people like Nick Gillman, Bob Chipman, and Lizzy Sarkeesian want to censor the great nation of J-Pan, and force one of the longest running game series to change 48 years of cultural history...I probably should of put this bit in the previous paragraph. But the point still stands!


FRAY BENTOS CHICKEN AND MUSHROOM PIE






ETHICS

For the entire 94 years, or so, video games has existed, there's been a simple system of the market; game devs make whatever game they want. And if gamers like it, they buy it. If they don't, they won't. But that's not enough for Scrumpy Jerk Whitewashers (see? Satire). No, they think, because they have spent money on past games, or might spend money on future releases, that gives them the right to dictate what kind of game a developer makes. That is the exact opposite of ethics. I imagine Gillman, and the like are planning some ridiculous  action campaign, that tries to highjack a childrens charity or a babyish petition, insisting Nintendo cut the crusts off their shit sandwich.


DOUBLE ETHICS

Vice, Nick Gillman, and the London Philharmonic can try to whitewash one of the most charismatic protagonists in gaming history- because they're so desperate to get girls to give 'em a kiss, they'll destroy the games industry to do it- while nice guys, like me, protect the history of video games and get zero credit, zero money, and zero hand shandies. I'm drawing a line in the sand, and I will die before Link becomes a woman- if my type-2 diabetes doesn't first.


PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF



See that? That's Link riding Battlecat. And you can only ride Battlecat if you're He-Man. Well, clearly, Link can, because is both a he and a man. Not a she and a ra woman. And that is that! ...Well, it isn't, because soon I'll be jumping on the next bandwagon, that has the emotionally backwards are up in a tizzy about. Because I'll be fucked if I'm not gonna cynically cash in on the bigoted dollar.

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